Healthy, wealthy, and wise: one outta three ain't bad & guess how won the Regional Champs?

If you're puzzling over this riddle, I'm wise - was that not obvious? 

Honestly, I am healthy, but this post is about a few nagging health issues that thankfully aren't life threatening, but I'm gonna whine a little.

***

Reg health update 1st:  Reg and I zoomed with his neurologist Friday. Appt set up months ago in order to refill his RX. Viruses can lower the threshold for seizures. Well, damn that sucks. But good to know. I wonder if Reg had covid and didn't know it - his throat hurt so much. 

* I didn't go to his mom's weekend. Very few freshman moms could attend. The moms I knew with older sons weren't going. "Son didn't tell me till last week, and I'm in Hawaii," etc. The fraternity guys who planned it last minute:  Tell us you're a college guy without telling us. 

***

ACID TRIP:  Part of the reason I didn't go . . . for the last week or so, I was struggling to swallow. I can swallow, but my food was taking the slow boat to China to get down, and I had the bad taste in my mouth I've had on and off over the years. I googled it. One cause: PREGNANT. Easy to rule out. Another was acid. 

Aha!

I take an antacid RX 30 min before I eat every morning. This started around the time I was diagnosed with SIBO and I was a hot HOT mess. Sleeping only 3-4 hours a night. The antacid has helped, but why extra acid? I've never 'done acid' so what gives? I don't experience heartburn, praise the good Lord. 

Last week though, the gas (both ends) - off the charts. Sometimes I'd have no appetite. Steer clear from chocolate and coffee if acid is your enemy - both things I don't do much of/at all - respectively. 

I've been waking early. I can't complain, because still getting 7-8 hours, but for the past few months - I've been sleeping 9-10 hours on the weekends when possible. Which does make me wonder, why do I need that much sleep? Esp when I generally get close to 8 on the weekdays. My guess is:  autoimmune crap. My body's tired. 

I'm happy to report that later in the day Saturday symptoms improved. I slept over 9 hours that night. My food is going down. Still, what the what? I've emailed my doc.

My fear:  Long time readers will recall the undiagnosed pain in my side. (would wake me up) Did you know I tried to get in with Mayo Clinic? No openings. No waiting list. WTF? The GIs I've seen (5 or 6, who's counting?) waved the white flag. RX to manage my issue (it helps b/c I can sleep), but should we find out what's wrong with my side? 

In the land of make believe, where horrorrs lurk - I fear that the pain that they could never 'see' grew (in whatever form) and that's messing with my pipes. 

With this ring, I thee . . . ouch

***

THOSE AREN'T SAUSAGES (there my fingers):  I saw a rheumatologist for a few years. He gave me RX for my pinky swelling/pain. It's moved into the ring fingers. My wedding ring will never come off. I guess that means Coach is stuck with me. But really, at what point does it become unsafe to wear a ring that I cannot remove? 

This pinky is the
worse of the two.

I stopped taking the pinky pain med in June. It took the edge off, but not a cure. I decided I'd rather skip a med that I could live without. 

                                    ***

Curly's team won regional championship Friday night in our home gym. It was a close. She shot a 3 early-ish in the game, and Coach said, "Too deep", but it went in and I stared him down:  Shut, shut your mouth. Then she missed several 3s (but still had 19 or our 34 pts), and when she was about to shoot a 3 at the start of the 4th quarter (?), my brother Pat said, "No, if your shot's off, drive to the hoop." She hit that 3 - which was clutch - gave us a bit of a lead, and I melted into the bleachers. I lay there like a cartoon that falls on the stairs and takes the shape of the stairs. I needed to recover. 

Curly was interviewed afterwards, and there's an article written about her/her team. Her coach said the nicest things. If you'd like to read it, email me 'Curly article' and I'll share it. My email is my IRL last name followed by the word clan and the number 7. At yahoo. If you need nothing extra to read, I see you. ;)

***

Longer than intended, so tell me:  What food do you try to avoid? Do you skip meds that aren't necessary? Are your rings removable? Anything exciting happen in your world over the weekend? 

5 oops Friday (or 4 and a dilemma)

The comparison photo . . . 

1. pumpkin bread batter, just add cellular device. (Do not try this at home.)

Rushing to bake, so Reg could take a loaf and give one to his ride back to college. I double it, so 6 loaves. The batter looked strange. Had I added the water? A moment after I added more water: lightbulb moment. It wasn't water - I'd skipped the sugar. 

I set bad-batter aside. Started over. Would 'fix' bad-batter later. (My fam would eat it). I took a pic of the two batters. Later I'd verify if bad-batter looked normal.

 . . . the slip up (I guess)

I dropped my phone Into the batter. Effffff. 

The phone still works, but phone call volume isn't  loud. Speaker phone is better. The failed batch? Edible. It had gluten, so no idea how 'off' it was. 

2. Kohls, Costco, Nordstrom cards, where art thou?

So much pumpkin bread, who even
cares which loaves taste weird?

I stuck these three cards in my pocket for a Costco run. Next visit to Costco - all 3 cards were missing. I checked pockets/purses/cars. I'm stumped. After beating myself up for days, I ordered new charge cards. 

What will I be wearing when I find these 3 OG cards? The suspense is killing me.

3. Rental oversight. Hmm.

We're driving to Florida for spring break. Curly is delighted that Tank is joining us. We spent a silly amount of time choosing an  apartment near Tampa. Cancellation till 2/25th. 

After we rented it, Curly noticed:  no TV in the living area. There are televisions in the two bedrooms. 

"I pooped in your
room, have a candle"

Back to the time suck drawing board, but will probably stick with it. It's a hike (40 min) to the beach, and a few people will need to sleep on air mattresses, but budget-friendly. I prefer further south. Coach resisted going south of Destin. Tampa's a compromise. Amazing pool and workout room at the complex, plus great reviews.  

4. Diaper disaster!

A few weeks ago, I got baby Curly from nap. This 19 mo Fav doesn't have curly hair, but  same IRL name as Curly. The light switch activates nothing, so I couldn't see. My sense of smell was TRIPPING. She'd stripped her diaper and become one with her excrement.

Her pack 'n play was
relocated to the living
 room where I could
air it out and wipe
 it down. What did we
do before Febreeze?

The next day she brought a gift bag containing a candle. Note:  Big Curly, This is to clear the air. I promise to be a better roommate. I died. 

She now wears a sleep sac for naps, backwards. 

5. wishing for a clone 

A dilemma vs. an 'oops'. Reg got in Tank's fraternity, so I know a lot of the younger guys and their moms. Mom's weekend is this weekend. Curly's playoff game is tonight. If we lose, season over. I'm not skipping her game.

Most freshmen moms aren't going to mom's weekend - prob because of they got in the frat 2 weeks ago. Tough I'd love to see the people I know that are graduating, etc. They won't be there next year. One option, drive 3 hours after Curly's 6 pm game. Sleep in Iowa, drive 3 hours Sat. morning. Return Sunday. Sounds like a lot. I'll probably skip. Womp womp. Coach prefers I skip. (the girls have a church ceremony on Sunday that I'd prob miss, but I'll be at the Easter vigil when they become Catholic and he will be there). 

Fingers crossed that Curly wins and gets to play again next week. I've been spectating my kids' sports at our high school since 2012. Any recommendations for my upcoming withdrawal? 

*****

Worst place you dropped your phone? Did it still work? Do you stick charge cards in pockets to avoid a purse? Has that landed you in where's my card mode? Do your people eat food you've mess up? Examples? Could you survive without a tv in the living space on vacation? 

Getting figgy with it: late, but being upbeat is timeless - right?

my fearless assistant, helping
me take the littles for a stroll

I'm here, doing stuff, like:  

• pulling Curly out of school Tuesdays during two or three classes (lunch, study hall, and sometimes AP Lit - because unfortunately that class is AP Lit in name only). She's my mid-day daycare assistant, since the infant twins have started and on Tuesday I watch all 7 littles (the oldest of whom is 2.5) . . . 4 of whom are still under a year. Big-guy turns 1 in a few weeks, and Miss-priss is 9.5 mos. The twins are almost 5 mos.

• enjoying the new garage doors - struggling to get the app to work, but I've

  

  I was pushing the 4 infants.
   Almost balmy out.
  
  
  

   asked Lad to have a look at the router's location, etc. next time he has a minute.

• prom dress shopping.

• meeting Lad's new girlfriend. She's LOVELY! 

• recovering from a day of crying last week when big feelings hit me hard in the sibling disaster. A rare phone call to Ed, who's usually too busy to answer his phone, provided me a new perspective, and he called me 'heroic' for handing my sisters . . . not sure that's the right word, but who am I to argue? 

• And . . .  while I'm not great at recording them in any way, shape, or form that jives with a share-your-fig post schedule, I am finding gratitude in things. (confused? I'm referencing Elisabeth's gratitude initiative:  Finding Joy in Gratitude)

Here is how other figs are shaking down from my figurative fig tree: 

Costco:  Am I the only one who locks in on eats and then bums out when those are no longer offered? Last week, a worker checked, and insisted they had my  GF protein bar - maybe the Magic Spoon mini protein bars that help me survive till my next meal. Anyway, 1o minutes later he admitted he couldn't find them. Then I realized I was leaving a trail of choc chips across the parking lot - a bag I bought had a tear in it. *But - Costco is done for 2 weeks, and I bought different bars, and we are lucky to be able to afford this truckload of food. 

I set up a playpen yesterday to keep these
two off the floor - it's like baby jail, but
 they needed to be out from under
the running-feet, book-dropping tots.

Twins:  These identical girls are so so cute, light as a feather, and so far - easy going.

Eye exam:  I hate getting my eyes dilated, but I scheduled it towards the end of the day and that's done. It just so happened that Kay had an away b-ball game in the same town where my eye appt was, so I bopped over there afterward. Lad showed up with his new girlfriend. me: Hi, nice to meet you, don't mind my pupils. I'm not normally this googly-eyed. 

Cousin reach out:  A few weeks ago, Mini's cousin (who also graduated from ND) texted her when she saw Mini post pics at a fun ND tradition for seniors. I felt relief that Marie's daughters might move past the difficulties. 

Bernadette:  Coach and I 'won' six tickets at a silent auction to see this musical. We took my parents, Kay, and Rae on Sunday. Bernadette is my dad's fav saint. The
musical was phenomenal. 

                Fun fact:  my folks couldn't agree on my name, and tried to leave the hospital without signing the paperwork. Mom got her way. In other words, my nickname was almost Bernie instead of Ernie. 

Valentine's Day:  Michelle sent me this sweet card, so sweet! Coach and I met our good friends for dinner - not because it was Valentine's Day, but because that was the date that worked. We so enjoyed ourselves.

Adoption preservation:  The adoption preservation therapist is meeting with Kay and I separately and soon will work with us together. She meets Kay at school, and sat and chatted with me Tues morning - my busiest day, while 4 infants napped and 3 toddlers sat and played with us. I appreciate this happening when it works for us in our home/school. 

Alexa:  I bought my folks an Alexa for Christmas, but it took a while to get it to connect to their Wi-Fi. Last night, my dad asked me to get Alexa to play De Dannan. His fav trad Irish music band. Alexa thought about it and then played Madonna. Let's give Alexa points for rhyming. After a few more tries, I got her to play the type of music he wanted - not the specific band. I taught him how to control the volume all from the comfort of his recliner. Then I apologized to Nana. (10 second video of Alexa agreeing to play Dad's preferred tunes)

THE WEATHER:  It's been freaky nice here - in the mid 60's. It'll get chilly again this weekend, but spring is in sight. 

*****

Anyone else have a funny 'my folks almost named me _____' story? What food do you miss when your grocery stops stocking it? Any funny instances when Alexa misheard or rhymed your request and came up with something else?

Thursday things: come on in - the place is open, Murphy's Law, new install, 3 cheers for our 3 point gal, who's the grown up?, & I'll sleep on it

unprecedented level of excitement for my new garage doors:  We have a 3 car garage:  a double and a single. The big ass van, GW, occupies the double side with a dozen bikes, two lawnmowers, scooters, coolers, and everything else known to man. 

The small side often serves as storage for college kid mini fridges,  couches, bedframes, etc. It's a struggle to reclaim that space, but with a ton of effort, we can usually park a car in there a few months of the year. 

Our remote keypad doesn't work in cold weather. Here in Chicago - that's been fun.  

Small garage door broke months ago, meaning the opener no longer functioned and since we rarely park there, we barely noticed. 

Translation:  One could lift that door without much effort and gain access to our home. Any time day or night. 

When I returned home from the funeral in Tampa in early Nov., I made like a character on the 70s sitcom Happy Days, and lifted the garage door while Marie sat in her car, looking disgusted and judgy (her specialty). Coach had forgotten to leave the deck slider unlocked, and I was part horrified at how easy it was to enter our house (Coach initially assured me it still locked, oops), and part relieved that I could break into my own home. 

We should have keys to our front door, but do we? Who even knows? 

For ages, our double door has sounded like it might take the rest of the house down with it, killing us dead. Coach exits in the early am thru the deck slider for fear that the sound of the opener would wake me. (The garage is not under our bedroom - but it's not far from it). Majority of our cars live on our driveway anyway.

Tune in next time (or soon) for how our neighbors reacted in Jan. to our cars blocking the sidewalk.

Right before Thanksgiving, I ordered our Christmas gift to us - new garage doors through Costco in a color that'd match our newish siding, plus - next level openers include cameras, remote keypads, multiple openers, and an app to check the door status and manage it from anywhere. 

Welcome to the 20th century, Shenanigans. 

Enter Murphy's Law:  The install was set for Friday, Feb. 6trh. I was giddy with excitement. Our garage would be warmer too, and in Chicago - that's not nothing. 

On Thursday while I was talking to Reg's epilepsy specialist, the garage door people left me a message. "installer . . . family emergency. . . Friday cancelled."

*sob*

Saturday the opener on the big door broke. Yep. The day after it was supposed to be replaced. 

The reschedule = Feb. 16th. (10 day wait?!)

Sunday night, Coach and I tested to see if I could lift it solo for my Monday baby/tot drop off. Coach pulled GW onto the driveway. It slammed down, louder than normal - the spring broke. Game over. Drop off peeps had to enter through the raised small door and weave through all our garage stuff. 

Come on in, tots. When GW is parked here, the other side of the garage cannot access the door to the house. 

Monday:  I called and requested an earlier install:  

Wednesday. Let's go!

A delightful installer arrived yesterday. I moved the minivan to the street before tot drop. When the workers arrived, I realized I had to move GW off the driveway. I backed it off the driveway and then I remembered . . . 

OH SHIT, GW LIKES TO DIE IN THE COLD AFTER IT REVERSES. PLEASE DON'T DIE, PLEASE . . . as soon as I put it in 'drive' it stalled in the middle of the street. C'mon.

I told the guys my car died. Could they push my car to the side of the street (thankfully we don't live on a busy street). First I put the crawling baby in the exersaucer, grabbed the minivan keys, moved the minivan further down the street, hopped in GW, and waved the guys over to push me to the curb where minivan had been. I'm going out on a limb, guessing the workers hadn't had to help a homeowner push a giant van to the side of the road before installing a door. 

That marks the third time that GW has died after reversing in cold temps, and then being put into drive. It's a head scratcher, but par for the course. 

All that to say - the doors are up. They look amazing. Whisper quiet. Match the siding nicely. The motion sensor light- I'd forgotten how nice that was. 

****

In other news:  Curly won the 3 point contest in our (region?) area Tuesday night. I think there were 10 - 12 schools represented. Her first round score was 16, and the next closest was 10. My knees were shaking. So excited for her. Long time readers will recall Reg went downstate his soph year for the 3 pt contest. Then they stopped doing it. 

We 'won' tickets to the musical Bernadette at a silent auction. We're taking Kay and Rae, and my folks on Sunday afternoon. I shared that info in the now-defunct family group chat. My sisters have stopped updating in the group chat imporatnt news about our folks' health/doc appts, etc. which had been the norm. My brother now sends me a separate text. I didn't want my sibs to show up to visit my folks Sunday and find an empty house.  I'm the grown up here, is what I'm saying. But I think you already knew that. 

I've discovered that my body requires more than 8 hours of sleep, and I'm working hard to make that happen. Is it an autoimmune issue? No clue, but prioritizing my sleep (usually) has been a treat. 

*****

Your turn:  Has Murphy's Law ruled your life lately? Do you live in a fortress that no one could break into? Do you have keys to fit your doors? Do you do anything that ticks off your neighbors? Have you felt unprecedented excitement about a home improvement? Do tell.

Creating: gifts, and 'Where I was when . . . " memories

Banner I made for Mini
and friends in '23.

Reg update:  he's feeling better. Someone suggested that maybe he had covid, and that set off his epilepsy? Hmm. 

Christmas gift creations:  (let's pretend it's not Feb. and it's still normal to chat about Christmas gifts)

My goal: gift experiences or unexpected stuff for Christmas vs clothes . . .  didn't pan out, but I had one lightbulb moment. 

I can't find a pic of
the one I made for Ed,
but I made this one for
 Becky's daughter in '23.

Make Tank a photo collage banner. This fell off my radar when he graduated in May. I didn't have a sublimation printer and heat press available to me thru our library's awesome Maker Studio back when Lad graduated. 

Hoping to whip up something in time for Christmas, I reached out to one of Tank's  roomies, Sam, in the city. 'Splaining:  top secret, pls send college pics. 

I waited, and assumed the gift would not materialize. Didn't have enough of my own photos/ wasn't convinced Sam would come thru.

Sam, the man! When just about all hope was lost, holy big ass photo dump. 

Where were you?  Bear's fans will probably always remember where they were when the Bears beat Green Bay in OT on Dec. 20, 2025. 

My memory? We were hosting cousins for Curly's surprise b-day weekend. I was at my computer in the study (no where near a TV) adjusting photos to fit in the Creighton logo. Of course I was. 

I did run into the family room when summoned by Mini and Coach for the crucial ending that put us into OT. Curly, friends, and cousins were watching in the basement. I stupidly went back to the computer, thinking OT would take time. When I get in the zone, very little will steer me away from a project. 

There was a weird delay between the fam room TV and the basement TV, so when Mini and Coach knew we'd won (I was squinting at the computer, putting on the finishing touches) - they raced down to the basement and (to quote Monty Python) they all rejoiced. 

So exciting. 

Equally exciting (depending on who you ask): Born on that same night . . . I give you:  Tank's Creighton banner. 

If you look at the bottom of the C, you'll see a pic of Tank
 showing off the divot in his tongue. IYKYK

When he opened it, he was mind blown.
I didn't find time to hem the edges
 at the library until after Christmas. 
My sewing machine is on the fritz. 

Since my family members dislike my loud hollering and frantic pacing, my energies were best spent NOT cheering in a room during a tense game.

The graphic was phase one. Next, I bought fabric, and scheduled the sublimation printer and the heat press at the library for 12/21. I also ordered 100% polyester t-shirts to make a few t-shirts, if time allowed. 

An Amazon truck pulled up as I was preparing to head to the library. Mr. Amazon was delivering at my bestie Mary Ann's house. He couldn't tell me if he had anything for me until he'd delivered hers. The clock was ticking on my heat press reservation, so I left. 

My 2 BILs on Coach's side modeling: 
Popes from Chicago:  1,
Popes from Green Bay:  0
(not my original idea - I saw this online)

Once at the library, about 6 min from home, I got an email that my t-shirts were delivered. *&%($%#@&*!  

Mini brought them to the library. She left one of the two boxes at home - thinking they were the same thing. Gah.

Mini didn't think my dad would wear this,
 but a few days after Christmas - he
showed me that he had it on under his
 button down. He always wears a button down
 and dress pants, as if he's still going to
work. His shirt reads: 
I'd make a spreadsheet for that.
He didn't remember who'd given
 it to him on Christmas and
thought it was very funny. 

She made a 2nd trip BACK with the other box, and if you wonder whether or not she was happy about that - consider:  she's a college kid with zero stress, no shopping or baking or cooking or cleaning responsibilities who tends to sleep till noon . . . but alas . . . she was grouchy.  

Funny shirts: (see photos)  

My FIL will get his Pope shirt when he returns from SC, and he'll probably never take it off. 

*****

Did you get or gift a funny t-shirt for Christmas (can you remember back that far)? Or do you like a good funny towel? (I didn't buy this one, but I thought about it). 

the uncertainty of epilepsy: Thursday was a day

SMALL & MANAGEABLE:  I woke up Thursday and made a quick 'to do' list. I often create manageable lists that I think I can get done in a day on the back of a used envelope. Friends, my coat pockets and my purse and my countertop . . . littered with written-on, folded-up envelopes of to do's or grocery lists. I have my main notebook where I write stuff, but sometimes there's so much stuff there  - I recycle an envelope to keep things small and manageable. 

During morning naps, I was gonna: 

1. plug in my crockpot of leftovers. 

2. submit my next chapter (already got a 'reminder to submit' email Wed. night

3. We 'won' tickets to the musical Bernadette at a silent auction for Rae's high school, so I wanted to select the date and clear it with my folks, as we are taking them, and email the ticket office to share our chosen date. 

4. I like to post on Thursday morning, but I was working diligently on my chapter on Wednesday, so I was all . .  .'It's fine. I'll draft something quick Thurs. am during nap time.' It was gonna be a bunch of random stuff. Ever draft something in your head, imagining it short and sweet? This was that, or at least that's what I envisioned.  

5. Bake cookies for 2 events.

REAL LIFE:  I put babies down right at 9 am, the 3 toddlers were playing. I plugged in the crockpot and was about to sit at my laptop at the countertop. Reg called. 

"I've been having so many deja vous (his term for his mini-seizures) a day over the last week - I'm losing count. I was having like 1 a week. I threw up this morning. My head hurts. I have a cold, so maybe my head hurts from that, but I slept terrible last night because of all the deja vous."

 ***(skip to 'derailed' if you've been here for years) Flashback to 8/1/22 Reg threw up all day the day before while caddying, but wasn't ill, and had nonstop deja vous (at the time we hadn't pinpointed them as mini seizures - unaware he had epilepsy). He woke up the next day and his head was killing him - I put him in the car to drive to the ER and he seized in the passenger seat for what felt like hours - but was minutes. His one and only tonic clonic (formerly grand mal)***

We'd gone our for Mexican with the whole gang the night before - before kids headed back to college. I look at the photo of us from that restaurant and I think of it as the time before. 

DERAILED & EMOTIONAL:   Told Reg to go to class but keep his phone out in case the doc reached out to zoom with us. Called the neuro. Called student health services. Then I fell apart. 

Why'd I let him go to class? What if he takes the stairs? 

Started out as a to do list, but used it to
take notes while in the car on the way
 to Kay's game, because that's
when the specialist called me.

A nurse, Melissa, called from campus - the other nurse (at a clinic - loud, sick people, maybe off campus a bit?) had Melissa call me, saying Melissa's location would be better for him to be monitored while doing homework, etc. 

Melissa was amazing. Gave me her personal cell#. Both nurses helped me get his records sent (yes, I thought this was done before school). Set up an account. 

Reg went to Melissa after class, but knew he'd not be able to sleep much on the available recliner (a space for students who need infusions), so he made sure his roommate was in the room and he napped there. 

I paced my kitchen. Called Coach sobbing. Texted friends and family, requesting prayers.

The neuro increased Reg's morning med. Had me call the specialist, who'd previously said Not much I can do, cuz can't control the mini seizures. He'd ordered the neuro psych which diagnosed Reg as having lost 95% of his verbal memory from, we suspect, all the deaj vous (ramped up when a coach verbally and mentally abused Reg/we sued our school). Specialist called back after hours - I'd called him at the end of the day. He's the best. 

Specialist called Reg in an RX rescue nasal spray. I was so excited - 

Feel like an event is about to happen? use the spray. 

Um, no - if he seizes for over 5 minutes, then his roommate has to put the nasal spray up his nose. That's not comforting. What if his roommate isn't there? What if no one notes the time? I'll stop. There are a million what if's. 

There are no answers. No quick fixes. It's scary. I wanted to get in my car and drive there (6.5 hrs). Lad offered to come watch babies so I could do just that. I begged Reg not to go anywhere alone, to steer clear of stairs. No pools, no working out alone. 

During afternoon naps, I submitted my chapter. I baked. In the evening, I brought my huge desk calendar in the car as Coach drove to Kay's b-ball game. (see:  envelopes, desk calendar . . . old school much?). We found a date for the musical. I invited my folks. Emailed the ticket guy. And now I'm drafting my Thursday post.

And I'm trying not to worry. Reg has called to check in multiple times, per my request. Once he did this while he was talking to someone else in the distance and I only heard 'noises' and I panicked. Was he seizing? Then, "Oh, hi mom. Sorry, I was talking to someone. Um, I took a nap . . . " 

*****

Anyone else recycle envelopes from snail mail? Do you make doable lists when your big lists get too overwhelming? Anything derailed you lately? 

Tough stuff: the here and now vs living in the past

Tough stuff:  the past vs present edition

When I got home from Tampa, Kay shared with us that she'd been feeling down ever since she'd accessed the internet while at a friend's house over break. She googled her address at her out-of-state home of origin, learned it was for sale, and then lost all of those memories. 

In fam therapy, Coach pointed out that he lived in 7 houses as a kid, and he still has all those memories. In other words, KNOCK IT OFF, KID. Sometimes therapy can lead to too much validation or misguided focus. (I'm not asking you to dispute this. I'm living it, so I see what I see). 

The point:  we're uncovering an issue that can probably explain why we're struggling to connect with her. Why she can't move on. It seems she's living in a fantasy world. 

Rae:  so grateful to be out of that food insecurity, unsafe situation. She has her moments, but what she wrote in my b-day card hit me right in the feels:

"I 'd like to thank you for so many things, but none would be possible without this one:  thank you for opening your heart to God's voice, for not being afraid to welcome two impatient and no so open minded girls to live with you. I know it's 100% not easy, because you already had 6 children of your own, and I bet you thought you were done with middle school children, and then you met us. so thank you for saying yes to your own fiat to God. You truly are an amazing mother . . ."

Remember a few days before the adoption when we busted Kay for walking to the gas station with money? The girls got into an arguement because Kay wanted Rae to keep her secret, etc.? That night Rae told Kay to stop living in the past. "those people didn't do one decent thing for us in 10 years. You need to move on. The adoption is just a day - they aren't cancelling it. They made us part of their family years ago and you've just not figured it out." 

We thought, Wow, Rae nailed it - but we were still unaware of how much Kay was clinging to this belief that she'd get herself back to her home state and all would be wonderful. There are time when I wanna open the door, point her in that direction, and say GO FOR IT.  

Kay:  we believe she fixates on a few good or happy memories, wanting to go back there. We think she disassociated from the trauma and has yet to address it. 

This is textbook 'everyone moves at his/her own pace', and all that. Yep. No need to school me on that, but I'm gonna allow myself some time to be frustrated. That's where I'm at. FRUSTRATED. 

Unrelated:  I wore this sweater to mass
on Saturday evening. Curly whispered to me
 that she hates this sweater. Says it looks like
 something a 2 yo would wear. I had her snap a
 pic, so I could sent it to Mini and get her
 opinion. Mini must've sensed it wasn't
 pressing, because crickets. I don't think my
 posture in this photo helps my cause - but
 should it stay or should it go. Note:  as a woman
 of a certain age, I like the full zip, easy to
 remove when I overheat. Please vote in
comments, if you feel so inclined. 

We paid $2,200 before we adopted her, to find out what was up. Why was she not gelling with us, not able to connect? Turns out, it's hard to connect with a kid who lives in a fantasy world, and whose lousy therapists play music for her so she can figure out 'who she is'. (to which I said:  Well, she's not ef-ing Taylor Swift). 

Perhaps this is good news, because now our great fam therapist knows the score and maybe she can help move things along. In the meantime, I've sort of felt like I've stalled. Run out of momentum. I'm not waving the white flag, but I need a break.

There are constant day in and day out tasks that come with trying to connect, trying to reach her. Yeah, nope. It's been 2 years and 8 mos. I'm tuckered out. I spent the last week or two, since the 'fantasy world' realization became clear, going through the motions. It's often like living with a boarder. 

Me thinks I need a vacation. 

editing to add: Yesterday (Sunday), Coach and I took Kay to lunch. We asked how she thought things were going. He and I had mapped out a strategy in advance to point out that there are only so many things she can control. Where she's going to high school - not within her control. We are still debating that, but her vote will not be tallied. 

We asked a lot of 'Why?' and 'Because . . . ?' To try to get her to admit some stuff. 

Ultimately, I told her that while everyone works at their own pace and that no one thinks this is easy, it is time to put in more work at therapy to address her longing for a place where she was not cared for. 

Our fam therapist pointed out during the session a few weeks ago:  Hey, Kay. They don't take kids away from homes where things are going well. 

I pointed out that Rae sees things clearly - that she's glad she's out of that situation. Rae doesn't say, My friends and family are in (other state). She says her friends and family are HERE. 

Again, Work at your own pace, but understand that life gets better when you embrace the here and now. There are perks to building trust, to coping with the past and moving forward. 

And I told her that we feel somewhat stalled, frustrated. It's within her control to address this issue. She asked if she can start to see Fam Therapist, and that was music to our ears. That was the plan when we switched them to our insurance, but we haven't pulled the plug on the Friday therapy yet, but this was a decent cue that we can. 

A step in the right direction. 

*****

Thoughts on the sweater. Don't worry, you won't hurt my feelings. Even if everyone hates it, I might keep it around. Or, last b-day card that brought you to tears?

I had a chapter to write this weekend, so I'm behind in commenting - but I've read a bunch of blogs while riding the bike. Forgive me. I'll get there.